It is a common believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. This is very true for a particular friend of mine. The conversation went like this...
Julie needs to pack her clothes and RU486's
Is RU-486 the morning after pill?
Yeah, but Julie you call it breakfast
Michael Jackson recently died and there are millions of people around the world mourning his death. I know a certain sector of the population that are not so sad and this quote is dedicated to them...
"Michael Jackson died and millions of adolescent boys are sleeping easier"
I was watching Chopped on Food Network this week and the gist of the show is there are 4 chefs competing against each other and 1 chef is chopped after each round. This week there was a particularly cocky chef that thought everything he touched turned to gold. The following is an awesome quote from one of his competitors...
"If you have to tell people you're awesome you're probably not"
This week my favorite NHL team (Detroit Red Wings) played the Columbus Blue Jackets in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The game was blacked out for me and was not available on any of the channels that are part of my packages (including NHL Center Ice). To make a long story short, I had to add the Sports Package ($11/month) to watch one game and after the game I canceled the package and that incurred another $10 fee. After sending 2 emails, talking with 3 representatives, and threatening to cancel my service I was informed of the following...
"We cannot stop your account from being charged the $10 for canceling the sports package and we can't credit your account $10 to offset the termination fee. It is against corporate policy. I can give you the DVR service ($6/month) free for 6 months instead" -DirecTVGreat business model! I'm not complaining by any means, but I find it very sad that DirecTV thinks they come out ahead giving me $36 of free service over $10. I haven't heard of awesome math skills like these since listening to Verizon Math.
To commemorate the start of the NHL playoffs and the quest for Lord Stanley's Cup I thought it fitting to post one of my favorite hockey kwohts. I don't remember exactly who originally said it, but I've heard it several times over the past several years.
"If you're not injured you're not playing hard enough" -Anonymous Announcer
Today's quote isn't necessarily a quote, it is more of a definition, but it's spot on. This is from an annual contest held at Texas A&M for the best definition for a contemporary term. I, nor anybody I associate with, are anywhere close to being politically correct which makes this all the more appropriate for an awesome kwoht.
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end" -2007 Winner
My friend Mickey is the father of the cutest baby girl and was given some sound parenting advice from his father-in-law.
"The toughest thing about having a daughter is keeping her off the pole."Words to live by. I am grateful to all the fathers out there that throw caution to the wind because I love getting your daughter's tatas in my face for $1.
If you have not seen Pulp Fiction then you are a DBag. If you have seen it, you will recognize my next quote as one of the many awesome one liners. This was said by one of the business analysts I work with. The team had just completed a milestone and were feeling pretty awesome...
"Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet." -The WolfFunny shit happens after hours.
My next quote is to all the guys out there dating some chick that is spending money like Obama. I heard this a while back during some interview and I made sure to write it down because I think it is spot on, especially in our current economic situation.
"Nothing will have a greater impact on your financial success or failure than your relationship with a woman." -FJ SharkI have three friends that have been royally financially fucked by women. One friend was debt free before he met his true love...a year later he had all her debt, was paying her an allowance, and she got to live in his house for a year for free!
For my next quote, I wanted something inspirational. Cincinnati was just declared one of the Top 10 unhappiest cities so I think the people of Cincinnati need a little pick me up. I couldn't remember where or when I heard my next quote, but after a bit of googling I discovered that Anthony Hopkins said it in the movie The Edge. Now I remember where I heard it...I've seen the movie.
"What one man do, another can do." - Charles MorseIf that quote doesn't make you feel any better, maybe life isn't for you.
To understand my next quote, you need to understand my buddy who I will call Philip. I met Philip in college and the guy is fun as hell to hang out with and he always cracks me up. There is always something going on in his life that makes me laugh; this time it was his crazy nymphomaniac girlfriend who I will call Mary. Mary was different from other girls; she craved sex more than Philip and Philip puts David Duchovny to shame, she had 6 dogs and 4 cats, and she took crazy to a whole new level. It was Mary's time of month and Phillip wasn't getting any so he came over to my place to get away and said...
You know...without sex Mary isn't all that greatThat quote still makes me laugh
For my first quote, I decided to start with one of my favorites. I was having lunch with a few coworkers and we dropped by Joseph-Beth Booksellers to pick up the latest issue of GQ magazine that had Jessica Simpson sporting a very patriotic bikini. As several of the guys were fantasizing what they would do to the magazine if they could get it alone I heard my favorite quote...
"No matter how hot a girl is...some guy is tired of putting up with her shit" -ProbinuI have heard several derivations since then, but I think the original is still the best.
